#i guess i could pay for it myself
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My health insurance has been paying most of my medical bills and I need them to continue paying which is why I’m nervous about wanting to get a teeth cleaning. Like what if they say that’s too much medical stuff. What if they don’t think I deserve teeth after all this.
#i guess i could pay for it myself#i think the accident left a very small chip in my front tooth barely noticeable except that it’s gathering plaque#so it looks vaguely like i have stuff stuck in between my teeth#oh right and the dentist is gonna want to fix that too#probably can’t afford to pay for that
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i wrote this as a joke because I wanted to strangle a guy watching tiktoks without headphones on the bus, but im genuinely disturbed that we've gotten to a point where convenience comes first. and it depresses me even more that its used to justify and monetize greed
#like we have so many ways of doing things that could help us in the long run but because we're told it requires more work we just cant#its too resource intensive. or maybe its too much to maintain. we have to overlook benefits so money can go into more important things#we teach each other to do things a certain way so it works for everyone but who was it convenient for first? what abt who it might hurt?#i have to wonder if the rules our current system uses is worth listening to or following if it doesnt have our best interests in mind. u an#me and the ppl around us.. would we be better off if i ate my meals knowing the person who grew it wanted to feed others the way they could#feed themselves? and that isnt to say we're going to be happy doing it but i guess satisfied that its helping someone instead of quietly#accepting that itll eventually go in the dumpster behind a grocery store because it stopped looking appetizing or it wasnt on sale anymore#what about building homes so we can shelter each other? what if we were satisfied with what we did because we knew it would be paid back#with kindness? isnt that what we evolved to do?? heal each others bones and tell stories and help each other??#why dont houses come with solar panels or generators unless we find a way to make people pay to use the sun? why is our pooled money used#to fund genocides instead of education and hospitals? whose interests and convenience came first when we started this??#i wont pretend to know the answer because i dont. but we all know we're miserable and im sorry to say that i cant see myself fighting#for a world that wont fight for me too. why do we work if we cant live from it?? why did they stop us from plucking more teeth from our#bosses until they could build more walls around themselves and then go back to underpaying us??#im so tired. i cant even imagine making it to age 70#yapping#vent
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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real estate fever like. now that it is actually a distinct reality that i will be buying a townhouse or a condo next year. and living there. preferably with [redacted out of fear that i will jinx myself]. so i am like. why wait until next year. why not just throw everything to the wind. and do it now. i'm so impatient i am throwing uppp
#my new weekend hobby is showings now i guess.#the thing stopping me is that I do not want to be too hasty#and I also dont want to rush into a bad deal#I want to view a bunch of places#and also the earlier I nope out of my lease#the more money I spend buying it out#and the more time I live there by myself#the more time I have to pay more money and not have a second income#not sure if I could find a short term roommate...
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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"૮₍ •⤙•˶|💌 beep. .! one new messageˎˊ˗
How are you today?
Who in hetalia would be a Taylor Swift fan? -🪞🪽🪷
hiii i’m doing good today! i got to sleep in 😴
i can kinda see feliks being a 1989 stan honestly i’ve no reason for this but it seems right.
I could also see matthew relating with fearless or speak now a lot. like just tying to make it through life and stay kind while still being a little snarky and over dramatic
i could see a few nations being casual listeners that won’t turn the station if she comes on but won’t ever actively search for her songs. alfred, jack, vietnam and some others would be in this category imo
#thanks for the ask!#apparently taylor is actually really popular in vietam and just asia in general??#i wasn’t really expecting that but singapore DID pay her to only stop there during the sea leg of eras#so i guess it makes sense#and on canada being a fearless/ speak now stan: i could just see him screaming ‘all you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in li#e’ in his room and then crying cuz he feels so bad about it#i really like this ques so thank you 🫶#correspondence to myself#stick talks#taylor swift#hetalia#hws#aph#hws america#hws canada#hws poland#aph america#aph canada#aph poland#aph australia#hws australia#aph vietnam#hws vietnam#i don’t keep up v well on the manga so i don’t actually know much on viets character#kinda wanna look into her more#but i searched up where ts is popular so that’s why she went there along with australia
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LMAO i just saw this girl on tiktok write out her dream lifestyle and how much she would need to make for it. and she got 215k a year. so just for fun i was like ok let me throw out some crazy numbers. the most extravagant life that i can imagine living. and it came out to 50k a year😭
#this is why i truly think i will be ok on a teacher’s salary#bc i have been paying for all of my bills since i was 18 on a MUCH lower amount of money#i tried to imagine spending like. 500-600 a month on groceries and it was unthinkable#and giving myself 5k a year for vacations??#i could even go international with that#And this is with like. aggressively paying down my debt#it’s not counting medical tho. but then again i literally do not go to the doctor ever even if i’m dying#which all my friends are concerned about but it is ingrained in me and i cannot change it#cant afford it anyway so like. whatever#i either die or not i guess#anyway this does make me feel better bc at the very least even if i can’t find a college/university job after grad school#i should be very ok on a teacher’s salary#ik no one cares but. it is the middle of the night and who would i be if not a rambler and a worrier#personal
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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i don't understand how or why we went from "a dozen different boxsets with bts content, interviews, commentary and extended editions" to "we won't even release this as a dvd" but we lost so hard when it happened
#streamers are so fucking dumb for thinking people will pay them ransom forever for holding our favorite media hostage#when piracy is right there#even if i could afford 10 different streamers when i can barely afford one at a time#but again why would i when i can just go buy a bunch of dvds and make the boxsets myself#i can't believe we're going backwards but i still own a dvd drive so suck my dick i guess
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it's like. everything happens so much. it's all happening right now but at the same time nothing is happening whatsoever. it's a liminal space of an existence. it's slowly crushing me under the weight but when I look up there's nothing actually bearing down on me. there shouldn't be any weight. something is wrong but nothing has happened. I'm simultaneously overwhelmed and utterly bored. nothing is happening and maybe that's the everything that's happening. maybe the everything is the nothing. we aren't there yet but it's all so imminent. either everything is going to crash down or nothing is. I'm just waiting to figure out which.
#I refuse to be upset at anyone. I have so much love in my heart#but I'm going to pack formal clothes for my sister in my own bag just in case. she doesn't need to know that.#you couldn't pay me to care or to stop caring. it's cognitive dissonance#because I know this won't always affect me but it's my whole world right now#I say I don't care and I mean it but at the same time I care more than anything else#it's actually almost scary how much I relate to dark alley#not in a ''I'm in a mentally dark or dangerous place'' way but in a ''yeah I compare myself to others too much'' way#and then I try to make excuses so it can make sense to other people so they won't think the worst of me#like literally I'm trying not to think about fall but it's right around the corner and I'm. falling into it I guess#pun intended of course. I don't want to lose all my friends#I want to be one of the kids who gets invited to people's houses for lunch after church and I know I never will be#because that's the kind of thing that's only for the kids who are going someplace. not the ones who stay#I'm feeling very selfish and it's probably bc I'm tired lol this happens sometimes#I'm gonna make dinner for my family and then I'll feel better skskskskk#Lu rambles#sometimes I think I could write poetry#I feel like once my vacation is actually imminent I'll feel better I just haaate the point we're at right now#which is like. it's SOON but not THAT SOON so I feel like I can't do anything bc I'm just waiting for things to get going :/
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You ever find yourself like. Planning something nice for someone else. That you don't have to and are not expected to do. And like. Having to stop yourself and remember that. Nobody does that kind of shit for you?
#the dork is being a dork#found myself looking into costs for something someone in my life REALLY wants that i/we could maybe try to do for their birthday#remembered that literally nobody ever plans shit to do for my birthdays#let alone like. listens to me when i say the kind of things i want/enjoy#i'm planning specific gifts for christmas and shit too and. i know i'm not getting anything. and if i do it's going to be like.#oh cool. a tshirt i'm not going to wear. because i don't really wear tshirts#oh cool. you're just straight up giving me your phone to use your amazon account to buy something for myself#because you don't listen when i tell you things that i like and want#like.#it would just be nice to not have to be the one to. initiate every single time.#like. i will always be down for minigolf. it is a very good go-to option for me. but still it's always 'what do you want to do for#your birthday?' and never 'hey guess what! we're doing minigolf for your birthday!'#yknow?#it's always 'look up a place to go and get times/cost/etc' and never 'hey i looked up the place how does x time sound? don't worry about#the cost i got you it's your birthday!' (i'd be happy to pay anyway for the record the money isn't the issue)#just.#yeah.
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You ever confronted by how much fear is holding you back on even little daily things? ;-;
#rant#like i have adhd and im sure thats a portion of my decision paralysis and procrastination#but like... tax forms wouldnt be SO hard if i wasnt so terrified of filling out every little portion wrong#i am TERRIFIED of not understanding the directions and not knowing what to do next when i fill out a form...#i am terrified of calling my doctor and trying to Guess how to word my symptoms in a way which will result in me being helped instead of#dismissed. i am terrified that what i choose to eat will HURT bad and have days long consequences#(since i have gastroparesis so every fucking food decision risks me vomiting/being unable to eat for days if i fuck it up...#and you WILL always fuck up food decisions... if i wish to ever eat at a restaurant there will be random additives i cant check or forgot a#about... and sometimes they WILL hurt me)#and hell... with my chronic illness. there's days through NO fault or choice of my own... i simply feel WORSE#i can meticulously slowly cautiously make all my decisions. and STILL 'fuck up' and be in incapacitating pain for days#its so frustrating!#yeah i get afraid i'll write and make a mistake in a fanfic whatever. or pick a show im bored with.#but it's frustrating how much GENUINE fear i deal with on everyday decisions#if i eat the wrong thing? fucked up for days. if i choose to paint and my body decides it cant handle#sitting upright that long? fucked up for days#if i choose to go for a walk and my body decides halfway through it cant do it? FUCKED up for days#if i want to get myself a yummy food or drink from a restaurant to reward myself? random chance#it could fuck me up for days#choose not to eat at all? ....body for no predictable reason may choose it's upset and i... feel fucked up for days anyway#so many daily decisions feel like high probability i'll FUCK MYSELF UP FOR DAYS#and i do not like enduring feeling that bad. so of course i get scared to make decisions.#and then that anxiety seeps into ALL decisions#and suddenly i realize i feel scared just... calling my mom to say i'll come over#because WHAT if i start vomiting and im in immense pain and have to CANCEL my visit and she gets UPSET and#maybe i should have just NOT tried to see her at all because now i'm dealing with an upset mom just because i couldnt predict#my health bombing that day.#or what if i start my taxes... and i have a panic attack (because im SO scared of making mistakes) and then my roommate yells at me#for being too emotional or my boss yells at me for having to take a mental health day off#(because i keep hyperventilating and cant rationalize anything cause im having panic attacks) and then my work/pay suffers and house feels
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you ever have one of those cases where you know your childhood wasn't exactly normal but then you take a look at one aspect of your life that you thought was just a quirky lil detail and realize maybe that was a bit more not-normal than you previously thought
#i spent my entire school years cooped up in my room pretending to study when i wasn't at school#no free time ever bc if there's free time then there's always something more important you could be doing instead of taking a break#just always trying to look like i was studying whenever anybody entered my room and i wasn't sleeping#maybe that fucked me up a bit bc now i never feel like I'm allowed to have any free time#or maybe that's just the adhd who knows#anyway that's also why i never went outside bc it never even occured to me that i could even ask for permission to go outside#or even just hang out with friends after school. fuuuuuuuuck wait is that why ppl have been thinking im weird for heading straight home#after school everyday instead of hanging out to chat and hang out even though i have nothing else to do#anyway what i was going for before that lil realization was that idk how to answer when ppl ask me about video games#bc you have to play those on your phone or computer and you have to pay for them too and of course my parents weren't paying for that#and it's not like i could've just got them myself bc i never had an allowance bc they expected me to ask them if there was anything i needed#but ppl aren't really expecting you to dive into how weird your life/parents were when they ask you about video games#so idk. maybe i should really just get a therapist so i can figure out what's normal and what isn't lol#anyway. i keep having these little realizations recently and idk why. i thought i already knew everything abt my own life#guess im just recontextualizing things based on new info or whatever#it's getting pretty annoying having new epiphanies abt my life when im just tryna get through school tho :/#mine#random#vent
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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#'well you cant win em all.' okay but i would like to win at least one!! (not my quote i swear ive seen it on tumblr just cant find it)#like i would kill for just one win. i would pay a crisp $10 to anyone that could provide a single win for me#today was yet another fucking loss and that was all i had lined up. like theres nothing set up to possibly be a win in the future#ive got nothing there. so weve ended on a loss and thats all i have for the foreseeable future#i counted all the wins and losses in recent memory. ive got like 13+ losses and about 1 win#i tried to count up all of my wins but truly i managed like. one.#even some things that i didnt know could become losses! like did you know you can just be refused an adhd reassessment?#like you can say 'id like to pay $160 for you to fuck up a diagnosis again' and they can actually say#'youre not even worth the trouble to misdiagnose so go fuck yourself'#but they can! i didnt know that#and then you can have the audacity to tey to hope for something and think youll get it. like hope a little too hard#truly shouldve lesrned my lesson after twelve losses in a row not to get my hopes up#but i did! i made plans! i was gonna buy a cute water bottle specifically for that job. snd take myself out to dinner if i got it#can you guess what happened? when i had the audacity to hope and plan for a job that i was so passionate about and wanted so much?#(i didnt get it. the job ive been posting about. didnt get it)#didnt get the apartment in the city i love and miss either. didnt get an adhd reassessment (which is still wild to me)#and i tried to frame them as better in my head. 'this is a chance to tey a different job youd be better at! this is a chance to save money!'#nope its just another shitty thing in a long line of shitty things and im just getting tired of it. im so fucking tired of it#i am back where i vowed id never come back to and i cant escape in any way shape or fucking form#just needed to vent because saying all this in my head wasnt helping. saying it here doesnt help either but whatever
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ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it
#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something#but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller#which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this#and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely#oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart#so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar#i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to#because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of#its probably the resilience though#im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically#this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it#just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear#it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts#this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement#what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again#if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa
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